This post was originally made to my Etsy blog account . . . . oops.  As a friend once said of me, "That's a little bit of crazy poking out there."  Ah yes, she was right.

OK so it's Father's Day again and I'm in the same boat as I was in on Mother's Day.  All these tearful and smiling tributes to dads who were precious to their now grown children.  What do you post to Facebook on Father's Day, when the thought of your own still-living father brings nothing but an unspeakable loathing and pain?  What do you do on Father's Day when your father is a convicted sex offender pedophile??  How does one navigate through the Facebook universe of sweet tributes to dads everywhere??

* long sigh*

Well, there's always sick humor . . . . and yes, I am gonna go there.

Ya know how everyone posts a photo of their dad as their profile picture for the day on Father's Day??    Can you imagine this as my profile photo for a day??  ANY day???

And then I could post this heartfelt tribute in my status . . . . .

If I were to give him a gift he really wanted, I suppose it would look something like this:

And can you imagine the reaction if I posted what I really want most of all to give my father on Father's Day???

Yep, that about sums it up.

So you'll forgive me if I don't join in on the Hallmark-Turned-Facebook-Holiday-Festivities, but there's more to my story than meets the eye.

Instead, I will spend the day thinking about my husband who is a "father" to my two nephews-in-law, and my son who is the best daddy in the world.

It's All Relative: Post-Adolescent Thinking and Emotional Sanity

Not to jump on the bandwagon after it has passed, but I've been thinking about the infamous "Water Bottle Controversy of 2012", or The Great WBC2012, as it shall be heretofore known.  The wind has blown through the WLS Facebook/YouTube Community and shaken the trees and here is my take on the fallout.  


First of all, just because we have had WLS doesn't mean we aren't a just a wee bit crazy any more.  Having WLS doesn't change your brain it changes your digestive system.  Most of us were required to have a psych eval before being cleared for our WLS.  Ironically, my surgeon waived mine, and I had a tremendous laugh over that one.  But I digress . . . Is it even possible that we can be obese and NOT have some kind of psychological/emotional issues??  I think not, but I'm already certifiable and have nothing to lose by admitting to them.  So when you put all these folks together in the virtual convention of WLS Support Community, they bring all their baggage with them.  And they're over-packed.  


Secondly, it is human nature to follow the leader.  There are always way more Indians than Chiefs and people look to the Chiefs to find their way.  As children we follow our parents' examples until we reach adolescence, at which point we are supposed to start thinking for ourselves, but that doesn't happen a lot in this country.  Blame it on the assembly-line mentality of a capitalist society, the one-size-fits all paradigm of our overcrowded classrooms or our national lack of acceptance of the need for mental health resources, but the bottom line is still the same.  Many of us get stuck in the pre-adolescent mindset, unable to think for ourselves in a rational, mature fashion. Which is why all hell breaks loose when there is an issue in the community such as The Great WBC2012.  


There was a legitimate issue there, to be sure.


The difference between the water bottle and other "visual" measures of success (new number on the scale, standing in one leg of pants that used to fit you, buying a smaller size than you used to wear) is that all those things are RELATIVE to where you started.  Using a water bottle as a measuring stick is like saying that everyone who is successful with their WLS journey should end up wearing a Size TWO.  We reject that on its face as a ridiculous benchmark of success.  So too with the water bottle.  So yeah, if you think that someone was saying we all should fit in a water bottle and you got a gut check on that good for you.  The question is, why did it cause such a clusterfuck shitstorm?  And is there something we can learn from this??


The Great WBC2012 is a good opportunity to check our own emotional maturity and rational thinking skills.  Below is a short quiz to help determine where you fit in the spectrum of emotional maturity and rational thinking.  


PS: No extra charge for the sarcasm.  :)


QUIZ:

1.  When you saw others "jumping in the water bottle", what was your reaction?
a.  "Wow, that's awesome.  Good for her!"
b.  "She's such a show-off."
c.   "Interesting.  Wonder if I fit?"
d.  "I need to do that too/have to live up to that standard."
e.  "I’m a loser because I can’t do that/I’ll never be able to do that”
f.    “WTF?”


2.  When you caught wind of the “jumping in the water bottle” controversy, what was your reaction?
a.  I figured it was just a misunderstanding, and really didn’t get into it.
b.  I thought it served the person right.
c.   I wondered what the real issues were.
d.  I jumped right in and posted my two cents worth!
e.  I didn’t get involved because no one really cares what I think anyway.
f.    I thought, “Oh for fuck’s sake!”


3.  Now that it’s all over, how do you feel?
a.  It’s too bad this happened, but there are some great lessons to be learned.
b.  It’s not over, just wait!
c.   What did I learn from this experience to further my own personal growth?
d.  I still feel strongly about my opinion and I think the “other side” is WRONG!
e.  I feel discouraged and worry that I can’t get the support I need in the community.
f.    Awww shit, is it over?  I was just beginning to have fun!!

 KEY:

1.  Reaction to the original posts:

a.  Encouragement and Appreciation – You are able to be genuinely happy for others’ success without it undermining your own.
b.  Jealousy/Judging – Learning to love and accept yourself first is the key to your success.  Therapy and/or Church are good places to start.
c.   Contemplation –This mindset allows us to try out others’ ideas and evaluate their value for ourselves without feeling we “have to” copy them to be accepted by our peers.
d.  Copying – Trying on the idea is one thing (see letter C/Contemplation).  Automatically assuming that we need to do what the “leader” does regardless of how it fits for us is a sure sign of immature thinking skills and emotional self-abandonment.
e.  Low Self-Esteem – A hat trick of issues:
                                        i.    assuming you should do this because the “leader” is doing it (see “d” above)
                                       ii.    assuming that this is an effective measurement for you without contemplation (see “c” above)                                     
                    iii.    assuming you can’t do this.
f.    Emotional & Intellectual Perfection - You’re a consummate smart-ass who doesn’t give a shit about what others think and I want to buy you a drink.


2.  Reaction to the controversy:


a.  Conflict is almost always the result of poor communication or misunderstandings.  Taking the time to ask calm, thoughtful, and respectful questions and clarifying what you really mean will usually solve the problem without high drama.
b.  Again, if you have issues with this person it’s a good idea to take a look at WHY you wish bad things for someone.  If they have hurt your feelings or you’ve felt slighted by them in the past, address THAT and don’t jump on the first opportunity to shred them publicly.
c.   There are always at least two sides to every story and it’s tough to see all the angles in brouhahas as disjointed as this one.  Facebook, YouTube, he said/she said . . . it’s like playing Telephone as a kid.  The end message is always distorted and bears no resemblance to the original message.
d.  Oh yeah, ‘cause that’s always a really smart idea.  And that’s worked so well for you in the past, right?
e.  Listen up Eeyore: life is short and when it’s all said and done your best friend on this planet always and forever is YOU!  You are a unique creation of the Maker and you MATTER.
f.    So when are you free to go for that drink??


3.  Reaction to the aftermath:

a.  Learning from our mistakes is a huge step in the right direction.  Learning from other people’s mistakes is even better because we save ourselves from the embarrassment of having to backtrack after we publicly show our asses.
b.  Roller Derby called and they want you back on the team.
c.   See “a”
d.  That’s it, keep stirring the pot.  Loving the drama and keeping the flame lit only distracts you from what is really going on in your own life, but that’s way too difficult to look at, isn’t it?
e.  You get what you need by seeking until you find it.  If you don’t get what you need in one place, try somewhere else.  Help is out there, but sometimes you gotta change where you look.
f.    You are my new best friend.

Diorella

Diorella by bythetimeim50 featuring yellow tops

Paul Joe Sister yellow top
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Citizens of Humanity slimming pants
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Lace up high heels
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Lace up high heels
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Louis Vuitton ostrich handbag
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Alexander McQueen leather jewelry
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Amrita Singh 18k hoop earrings
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Yves Saint Laurent vintage silk scarve
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Round 2: A Barnburner in France

6Knowing this, that our *old man* is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. 7For he that is dead is freed from sin.  TRANSLATION:  We each have the power to destroy the faulty body of information we were programmed with, so that we are no longer guided by it. We can replace it with new information and programming so that we can lead healthy, productive lives, free from the torment caused by our earlier programming.  

*he/him in the following text *  

As soon as I made the appointment, some of the anxiety lifted.  Something about knowing there would be answers and a way out made the tormentor lie down.  The bastard's been there a long time, so he knows when I mean business and he immediately reverts to stealth mode.   No use.  I've got him in my sights, and I'm offering no quarter.


I don't like to admit when he has the upper hand.  I like to think I have him under control or better yet - permanently evicted.  He's good at making me feel crazy and hopeless, and he tricks me into hiding it.  This works to his advantage because he can multiply the effect - as long as I don't discuss it with anyone who can truly help me call him out as the liar and thief he really is.  Talking about it to those closest to me only compounds the problem. Their fear and lack of meaningful support only increases when I share what he tells me.  When someone looks at you like you have three heads, or tells you that you are broken and might never be whole, it validates what he says, and he becomes bolder in his boasts.


It's not their fault.  It's like living in France all your life and speaking French as your first language, then moving to the US and trying to relate to people who have never been to France.  If you try to share your experience with someone and they've never been to France, they just don't get it.  And if you try to tell them about your experience while speaking French?  Fuggheddaboutit.  It's not that they don't care or don't want to help.  It's just that they've never been to France and they don't speak French . . . so to speak.


Note to self: when he starts jabbering away in French, run - do not walk - to someone who "speaks French."


So I went to my first appointment with a woman who specializes in PTSD treatment.  She is warm and friendly and a bit spacey.  Not so spacey as to invite mistrust, just enough to let me know she can relate to my menopause and ADD.  I shared how terrified I was of being diagnosed with certain personality disorders.  Her response was "Yeah . . . I don't buy into those labels really . . . "  I relaxed a little. *kidney punch - he moves away, slightly stunned*


She shared a handout showing the developmental needs of children at various life stages, the corresponding healthy and unhealthy parenting techniques and the outcomes of each technique on the development of the child's personality.  It was designed to show me that I am not inherently crazy.  When I took the time to study it later in detail, I rediscovered the obvious: how the hell else could I have turned out?  There are no alternatives when you are raised by a pedophile and a narcissist.  You are going to develop some fucked up thinking and behaviors in order to survive.  I survived, ergo I have some fucked up programming.  *uppercut to the chin - he rocks back on his heels*


Second session. We talked about my difficulty in asking for help.  When childhood needs are met with rejection, ridicule, condemnation, neglect, irritation or violence you learn to do for yourself and to rely on others as little as possible.  That's helpful for surviving your childhood, but it presents real problems when you're trying to run a business that requires a team in order to be successful.  As the manager of the team I need to delegate.  Dele-WHAT???  When you need to learn something, the universe sends you what you need in order to learn it.  Uuuuuoooohhhh . . . . THAT'S why I keep getting passive-aggressive lumps for employees!  My therapist asked me if I shared my expectations with my employees as part of their orientation.   *blink*   Huh?


When your paradigm is self-reliance, there are no others - let alone any expectations for their performance.  The bar is incredibly low.  I expect that when I have to rely on others they will fail, so I shouldn't rely on them - note the futile circle?  I should be prepared to do everything myself, despite the fact that it stresses me and places unhealthy demands on my personal time.  As a result, my job - which I loved once - has become a major source of stress to the point that I have considered leaving.  But now, I see that a shift in my personal paradigm could make it more enjoyable - maybe even more than before.  *right hook connects - he stumbles and nearly falls, dazed and weakened*


There is an exception to my rule, and that is my "other" employee.  This person is French, if you know what I mean.  We speak the same language and have the same work philosophy.  We are a fabulous team and have quadrupled our gross sales since we began our joint effort.  Is it a coincidence that this happens at a time when I am working on these issues?  I think not.  AND we get to hire a new employee since we are doing so well.  You can bet I will be sharing my expectations as part of their orientation.


*solid kick to the nuts - he drops like a stone*

Alphonse in the Moonlight

Alphonse in the Moonlight by bythetimeim50 featuring gold strap shoes

All saints dress
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Gold strap shoes
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Valentino studded handbag
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Ring
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Olia Designs blue jewelry
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Third Time's a Charm

It’s been 9 months since the day I was banded with my 10cc Allergan AP LapBand.  I must admit it’s been a wild ride.  I dropped the vast majority of my 70 pound loss in the first 6 months.  Since then I’m clawing for every pound.  I am making myself exercise more. I still struggle with nighttime eating and portion control.  I still react with a childish “I’ll show you” attitude when I think someone doesn’t want me to eat something or more of something.  When I follow the rules, I lose.  But I struggle to follow the rules.  In short, I had hoped that I could nail down the “crazy” portion of our game for the home viewers, but it’s not looking good.

My eating disorder is my last holdout, the last bastion of hope for the crazy person who lives in my head.  The oldest, the strongest, and the most elusive of the many I have defeated.  Taking on this last addiction puts me face to face with the demons that haunt me and who refuse to stay silent in my head until they are fed.  At the risk of being labeled a psycho with written proof in my own words, I am admitting that I may have CPTSD, exacerbated by ADD, further exacerbated by menopause.  I will not admit to bi-polar yet.  I have to have something to hang in my closet of denial.

I struggle to handle the stresses of everyday life.  I have a faulty inner guide for what is right and normal.  Growing up with a narcissist for a mother will do that to you.  OK I get it.  I’m 48 years old and famous for saying, “At some point you have to realize it’s your life and you have to take control of it.”  I still believe this and I take responsibility for my own healing.  HOWEVER:  I cannot stress to you how pernicious this early childhood programming is.  I suspect I would test as having borderline personality features, or some other equally frightening diagnosis if tested.  MMPI anyone??  Bueller??

I’m intelligent (IQ of 136), educated, and attractive despite still being overweight.  I’m a creative thinker and an amazing problem-solver.  I am also the classic, textbook version of the oldest child who was sexually abused and raised by a narcissistic mother.  I am broken and I don’t know if I can be fixed.

I went into this weight loss surgery thinking I would extinguish my demons in the process of eliminating the behaviors associated with my obesity in much the same way I had conquered others: substance abuse, compulsive acting out, and smoking to name a few.  What I am discovering is that I’m down to some majorly core areas of dysfunction and I’m out of practice at fighting those demons.  They’ve maintained a pretty strict regimen in my head and have remained strong while I enjoyed the 85% of my reclaimed and cleaned up life.  Now that I want that last 15% too, they’re pissed and they’ve loosed the proverbial Dogs of War.  And they’re hungry bastards.

Because I’m not medicating with food, I am faced with the actual frustrations of my daily life.  Any kind of mole hill sized resistance or hassle seems to be a mountain.  I caught myself feeling “overburdened” the other day because I had to stop to pee while I was doing something.  The ensuing thoughts would have been hilarious had they been the script for a sitcom starring some loveable but neurotic character.  They were not and they are not.

“And of course I have to PEE.  AGAIN.”  *huge exasperated sigh* “Why is it that every time I have something to do I have to STOP to PEE?? I want to live in a body without having to stop to take care of ANY bodily functions.  I certainly hope when I’m dead this whole peeing thing will stop.”

The feelings at that moment are as intensely overwhelming as if there were three or four REAL tragedies in my day, and someone just presented me with a fifth . . . . . . tragedy . . . . not bottle.  And yes, that’s tempting, but I’m sure as hell not giving up any of the 85% that’s already mine. 

So I’m wondering if I should check myself in somewhere.  There was a link posted in one of my groups for an inpatient treatment facility, specializing in PTSD.  I have completed 30 days inpatient treatment twice in my life for two different issues, both of them extremely successful.  A 1-800 number and a Live Chat option are staring me in the face.

 

So what’s keeping me from picking up the phone???

I

AM

SCARED

SHITLESS

 The saying, "Third Time's a Charm" comes to mind.

You Can't Think Yourself Thin

So it's a week shy of 8 months since my LapBand surgery.  I just had a fill yesterday and was waiting for the "shock collar" of restriction, but nothing feels different yet.  It's only the morning after and I'm seriously hoping for what one bandster says, "a fill can sneak up on you."  


You know those stages of grief made famous by Elisabeth Kubler Ross?  Looking back over the past 8 weeks, I recognize that I have been in the bargaining phase.  I've been trying to bargain with some unknown power (sadly I think it's myself) about losing more weight.  You see, the first 60 pounds came off fairly steadily because I followed the rules to the letter.  In fact I made following the rules my new addiction.  But then I got bored, like I always did on my myriad previous diets, because you can't live your life on a diet.  You have to make the diet your way of life.  Holy fuck!  Now that's a revelation.  


So this past 8 weeks I have been bargaining mostly about exercise.  I hate it.  I do not want to exercise my body, only my brain.  I love nothing more in life than sitting on the couch with my laptop, playing word games, Facebooking, and eBaying.  Problem is, the weight is standing completely s.t.i.l.l.  Of course it is!!  
My mental parrying with my "self" sounds something like this:

ME: I bet I could use one of those ab belts that electronically stimulates the muscles and then I wouldn't have to exercise.  AND I could use it while sitting on the couch. 

 "Other" ME: Well what are the odds that you'll get the same workout as if you'd get up and exercise?

 ME: Well movie stars use them, so they must work.  

"Other" ME: So help me God if you say that out loud to anyone, I'll strangle you.

Needless to say, I haven't gotten off the couch, and now I'm not even wearing the ab belt (or the arm stimulator.)  (Or the bottom toner skirt.)  Seriously, someone call the shrink.  


Speaking of shrink . . . I started online therapy - the "Shrink Yourself" program.  It's a 12 week self-guided therapy program designed to help you uncover the emotional motivations for eating and to develop strategies to combat them.  I did it through week three and haven't gone back for the past three weeks.  How is this a surprise??  We were just about to start the session on exercise and finding out the reasons we make excuses - discovering why we don't exercise.  Coincidence?  I think not.  *sigh*


OK, so the next time you see me, or read me, or whatever . . . please ask me how the exercise is going, huh??