This post was originally made to my Etsy blog account . . . . oops.  As a friend once said of me, "That's a little bit of crazy poking out there."  Ah yes, she was right.

OK so it's Father's Day again and I'm in the same boat as I was in on Mother's Day.  All these tearful and smiling tributes to dads who were precious to their now grown children.  What do you post to Facebook on Father's Day, when the thought of your own still-living father brings nothing but an unspeakable loathing and pain?  What do you do on Father's Day when your father is a convicted sex offender pedophile??  How does one navigate through the Facebook universe of sweet tributes to dads everywhere??

* long sigh*

Well, there's always sick humor . . . . and yes, I am gonna go there.

Ya know how everyone posts a photo of their dad as their profile picture for the day on Father's Day??    Can you imagine this as my profile photo for a day??  ANY day???

And then I could post this heartfelt tribute in my status . . . . .

If I were to give him a gift he really wanted, I suppose it would look something like this:

And can you imagine the reaction if I posted what I really want most of all to give my father on Father's Day???

Yep, that about sums it up.

So you'll forgive me if I don't join in on the Hallmark-Turned-Facebook-Holiday-Festivities, but there's more to my story than meets the eye.

Instead, I will spend the day thinking about my husband who is a "father" to my two nephews-in-law, and my son who is the best daddy in the world.

It's All Relative: Post-Adolescent Thinking and Emotional Sanity

Not to jump on the bandwagon after it has passed, but I've been thinking about the infamous "Water Bottle Controversy of 2012", or The Great WBC2012, as it shall be heretofore known.  The wind has blown through the WLS Facebook/YouTube Community and shaken the trees and here is my take on the fallout.  


First of all, just because we have had WLS doesn't mean we aren't a just a wee bit crazy any more.  Having WLS doesn't change your brain it changes your digestive system.  Most of us were required to have a psych eval before being cleared for our WLS.  Ironically, my surgeon waived mine, and I had a tremendous laugh over that one.  But I digress . . . Is it even possible that we can be obese and NOT have some kind of psychological/emotional issues??  I think not, but I'm already certifiable and have nothing to lose by admitting to them.  So when you put all these folks together in the virtual convention of WLS Support Community, they bring all their baggage with them.  And they're over-packed.  


Secondly, it is human nature to follow the leader.  There are always way more Indians than Chiefs and people look to the Chiefs to find their way.  As children we follow our parents' examples until we reach adolescence, at which point we are supposed to start thinking for ourselves, but that doesn't happen a lot in this country.  Blame it on the assembly-line mentality of a capitalist society, the one-size-fits all paradigm of our overcrowded classrooms or our national lack of acceptance of the need for mental health resources, but the bottom line is still the same.  Many of us get stuck in the pre-adolescent mindset, unable to think for ourselves in a rational, mature fashion. Which is why all hell breaks loose when there is an issue in the community such as The Great WBC2012.  


There was a legitimate issue there, to be sure.


The difference between the water bottle and other "visual" measures of success (new number on the scale, standing in one leg of pants that used to fit you, buying a smaller size than you used to wear) is that all those things are RELATIVE to where you started.  Using a water bottle as a measuring stick is like saying that everyone who is successful with their WLS journey should end up wearing a Size TWO.  We reject that on its face as a ridiculous benchmark of success.  So too with the water bottle.  So yeah, if you think that someone was saying we all should fit in a water bottle and you got a gut check on that good for you.  The question is, why did it cause such a clusterfuck shitstorm?  And is there something we can learn from this??


The Great WBC2012 is a good opportunity to check our own emotional maturity and rational thinking skills.  Below is a short quiz to help determine where you fit in the spectrum of emotional maturity and rational thinking.  


PS: No extra charge for the sarcasm.  :)


QUIZ:

1.  When you saw others "jumping in the water bottle", what was your reaction?
a.  "Wow, that's awesome.  Good for her!"
b.  "She's such a show-off."
c.   "Interesting.  Wonder if I fit?"
d.  "I need to do that too/have to live up to that standard."
e.  "I’m a loser because I can’t do that/I’ll never be able to do that”
f.    “WTF?”


2.  When you caught wind of the “jumping in the water bottle” controversy, what was your reaction?
a.  I figured it was just a misunderstanding, and really didn’t get into it.
b.  I thought it served the person right.
c.   I wondered what the real issues were.
d.  I jumped right in and posted my two cents worth!
e.  I didn’t get involved because no one really cares what I think anyway.
f.    I thought, “Oh for fuck’s sake!”


3.  Now that it’s all over, how do you feel?
a.  It’s too bad this happened, but there are some great lessons to be learned.
b.  It’s not over, just wait!
c.   What did I learn from this experience to further my own personal growth?
d.  I still feel strongly about my opinion and I think the “other side” is WRONG!
e.  I feel discouraged and worry that I can’t get the support I need in the community.
f.    Awww shit, is it over?  I was just beginning to have fun!!

 KEY:

1.  Reaction to the original posts:

a.  Encouragement and Appreciation – You are able to be genuinely happy for others’ success without it undermining your own.
b.  Jealousy/Judging – Learning to love and accept yourself first is the key to your success.  Therapy and/or Church are good places to start.
c.   Contemplation –This mindset allows us to try out others’ ideas and evaluate their value for ourselves without feeling we “have to” copy them to be accepted by our peers.
d.  Copying – Trying on the idea is one thing (see letter C/Contemplation).  Automatically assuming that we need to do what the “leader” does regardless of how it fits for us is a sure sign of immature thinking skills and emotional self-abandonment.
e.  Low Self-Esteem – A hat trick of issues:
                                        i.    assuming you should do this because the “leader” is doing it (see “d” above)
                                       ii.    assuming that this is an effective measurement for you without contemplation (see “c” above)                                     
                    iii.    assuming you can’t do this.
f.    Emotional & Intellectual Perfection - You’re a consummate smart-ass who doesn’t give a shit about what others think and I want to buy you a drink.


2.  Reaction to the controversy:


a.  Conflict is almost always the result of poor communication or misunderstandings.  Taking the time to ask calm, thoughtful, and respectful questions and clarifying what you really mean will usually solve the problem without high drama.
b.  Again, if you have issues with this person it’s a good idea to take a look at WHY you wish bad things for someone.  If they have hurt your feelings or you’ve felt slighted by them in the past, address THAT and don’t jump on the first opportunity to shred them publicly.
c.   There are always at least two sides to every story and it’s tough to see all the angles in brouhahas as disjointed as this one.  Facebook, YouTube, he said/she said . . . it’s like playing Telephone as a kid.  The end message is always distorted and bears no resemblance to the original message.
d.  Oh yeah, ‘cause that’s always a really smart idea.  And that’s worked so well for you in the past, right?
e.  Listen up Eeyore: life is short and when it’s all said and done your best friend on this planet always and forever is YOU!  You are a unique creation of the Maker and you MATTER.
f.    So when are you free to go for that drink??


3.  Reaction to the aftermath:

a.  Learning from our mistakes is a huge step in the right direction.  Learning from other people’s mistakes is even better because we save ourselves from the embarrassment of having to backtrack after we publicly show our asses.
b.  Roller Derby called and they want you back on the team.
c.   See “a”
d.  That’s it, keep stirring the pot.  Loving the drama and keeping the flame lit only distracts you from what is really going on in your own life, but that’s way too difficult to look at, isn’t it?
e.  You get what you need by seeking until you find it.  If you don’t get what you need in one place, try somewhere else.  Help is out there, but sometimes you gotta change where you look.
f.    You are my new best friend.

Diorella

Diorella by bythetimeim50 featuring yellow tops

Paul Joe Sister yellow top
$230 - stylebop.com

Citizens of Humanity slimming pants
£127 - farfetch.com

Lace up high heels
$58 - modcloth.com

Lace up high heels
$58 - modcloth.com

Louis Vuitton ostrich handbag
malleries.com

Alexander McQueen leather jewelry
£125 - net-a-porter.com

Amrita Singh 18k hoop earrings
$100 - amritasingh.com

Yves Saint Laurent vintage silk scarve
consignofthetimes.com

Round 2: A Barnburner in France

6Knowing this, that our *old man* is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. 7For he that is dead is freed from sin.  TRANSLATION:  We each have the power to destroy the faulty body of information we were programmed with, so that we are no longer guided by it. We can replace it with new information and programming so that we can lead healthy, productive lives, free from the torment caused by our earlier programming.  

*he/him in the following text *  

As soon as I made the appointment, some of the anxiety lifted.  Something about knowing there would be answers and a way out made the tormentor lie down.  The bastard's been there a long time, so he knows when I mean business and he immediately reverts to stealth mode.   No use.  I've got him in my sights, and I'm offering no quarter.


I don't like to admit when he has the upper hand.  I like to think I have him under control or better yet - permanently evicted.  He's good at making me feel crazy and hopeless, and he tricks me into hiding it.  This works to his advantage because he can multiply the effect - as long as I don't discuss it with anyone who can truly help me call him out as the liar and thief he really is.  Talking about it to those closest to me only compounds the problem. Their fear and lack of meaningful support only increases when I share what he tells me.  When someone looks at you like you have three heads, or tells you that you are broken and might never be whole, it validates what he says, and he becomes bolder in his boasts.


It's not their fault.  It's like living in France all your life and speaking French as your first language, then moving to the US and trying to relate to people who have never been to France.  If you try to share your experience with someone and they've never been to France, they just don't get it.  And if you try to tell them about your experience while speaking French?  Fuggheddaboutit.  It's not that they don't care or don't want to help.  It's just that they've never been to France and they don't speak French . . . so to speak.


Note to self: when he starts jabbering away in French, run - do not walk - to someone who "speaks French."


So I went to my first appointment with a woman who specializes in PTSD treatment.  She is warm and friendly and a bit spacey.  Not so spacey as to invite mistrust, just enough to let me know she can relate to my menopause and ADD.  I shared how terrified I was of being diagnosed with certain personality disorders.  Her response was "Yeah . . . I don't buy into those labels really . . . "  I relaxed a little. *kidney punch - he moves away, slightly stunned*


She shared a handout showing the developmental needs of children at various life stages, the corresponding healthy and unhealthy parenting techniques and the outcomes of each technique on the development of the child's personality.  It was designed to show me that I am not inherently crazy.  When I took the time to study it later in detail, I rediscovered the obvious: how the hell else could I have turned out?  There are no alternatives when you are raised by a pedophile and a narcissist.  You are going to develop some fucked up thinking and behaviors in order to survive.  I survived, ergo I have some fucked up programming.  *uppercut to the chin - he rocks back on his heels*


Second session. We talked about my difficulty in asking for help.  When childhood needs are met with rejection, ridicule, condemnation, neglect, irritation or violence you learn to do for yourself and to rely on others as little as possible.  That's helpful for surviving your childhood, but it presents real problems when you're trying to run a business that requires a team in order to be successful.  As the manager of the team I need to delegate.  Dele-WHAT???  When you need to learn something, the universe sends you what you need in order to learn it.  Uuuuuoooohhhh . . . . THAT'S why I keep getting passive-aggressive lumps for employees!  My therapist asked me if I shared my expectations with my employees as part of their orientation.   *blink*   Huh?


When your paradigm is self-reliance, there are no others - let alone any expectations for their performance.  The bar is incredibly low.  I expect that when I have to rely on others they will fail, so I shouldn't rely on them - note the futile circle?  I should be prepared to do everything myself, despite the fact that it stresses me and places unhealthy demands on my personal time.  As a result, my job - which I loved once - has become a major source of stress to the point that I have considered leaving.  But now, I see that a shift in my personal paradigm could make it more enjoyable - maybe even more than before.  *right hook connects - he stumbles and nearly falls, dazed and weakened*


There is an exception to my rule, and that is my "other" employee.  This person is French, if you know what I mean.  We speak the same language and have the same work philosophy.  We are a fabulous team and have quadrupled our gross sales since we began our joint effort.  Is it a coincidence that this happens at a time when I am working on these issues?  I think not.  AND we get to hire a new employee since we are doing so well.  You can bet I will be sharing my expectations as part of their orientation.


*solid kick to the nuts - he drops like a stone*

Alphonse in the Moonlight

Alphonse in the Moonlight by bythetimeim50 featuring gold strap shoes

All saints dress
$135 - allsaints.com

Gold strap shoes
tkmaxx.com

Valentino studded handbag
€1.396 - lindestore.com

Ring
£609 - farfetch.com

Olia Designs blue jewelry
$105 - maxandchloe.com

Third Time's a Charm

It’s been 9 months since the day I was banded with my 10cc Allergan AP LapBand.  I must admit it’s been a wild ride.  I dropped the vast majority of my 70 pound loss in the first 6 months.  Since then I’m clawing for every pound.  I am making myself exercise more. I still struggle with nighttime eating and portion control.  I still react with a childish “I’ll show you” attitude when I think someone doesn’t want me to eat something or more of something.  When I follow the rules, I lose.  But I struggle to follow the rules.  In short, I had hoped that I could nail down the “crazy” portion of our game for the home viewers, but it’s not looking good.

My eating disorder is my last holdout, the last bastion of hope for the crazy person who lives in my head.  The oldest, the strongest, and the most elusive of the many I have defeated.  Taking on this last addiction puts me face to face with the demons that haunt me and who refuse to stay silent in my head until they are fed.  At the risk of being labeled a psycho with written proof in my own words, I am admitting that I may have CPTSD, exacerbated by ADD, further exacerbated by menopause.  I will not admit to bi-polar yet.  I have to have something to hang in my closet of denial.

I struggle to handle the stresses of everyday life.  I have a faulty inner guide for what is right and normal.  Growing up with a narcissist for a mother will do that to you.  OK I get it.  I’m 48 years old and famous for saying, “At some point you have to realize it’s your life and you have to take control of it.”  I still believe this and I take responsibility for my own healing.  HOWEVER:  I cannot stress to you how pernicious this early childhood programming is.  I suspect I would test as having borderline personality features, or some other equally frightening diagnosis if tested.  MMPI anyone??  Bueller??

I’m intelligent (IQ of 136), educated, and attractive despite still being overweight.  I’m a creative thinker and an amazing problem-solver.  I am also the classic, textbook version of the oldest child who was sexually abused and raised by a narcissistic mother.  I am broken and I don’t know if I can be fixed.

I went into this weight loss surgery thinking I would extinguish my demons in the process of eliminating the behaviors associated with my obesity in much the same way I had conquered others: substance abuse, compulsive acting out, and smoking to name a few.  What I am discovering is that I’m down to some majorly core areas of dysfunction and I’m out of practice at fighting those demons.  They’ve maintained a pretty strict regimen in my head and have remained strong while I enjoyed the 85% of my reclaimed and cleaned up life.  Now that I want that last 15% too, they’re pissed and they’ve loosed the proverbial Dogs of War.  And they’re hungry bastards.

Because I’m not medicating with food, I am faced with the actual frustrations of my daily life.  Any kind of mole hill sized resistance or hassle seems to be a mountain.  I caught myself feeling “overburdened” the other day because I had to stop to pee while I was doing something.  The ensuing thoughts would have been hilarious had they been the script for a sitcom starring some loveable but neurotic character.  They were not and they are not.

“And of course I have to PEE.  AGAIN.”  *huge exasperated sigh* “Why is it that every time I have something to do I have to STOP to PEE?? I want to live in a body without having to stop to take care of ANY bodily functions.  I certainly hope when I’m dead this whole peeing thing will stop.”

The feelings at that moment are as intensely overwhelming as if there were three or four REAL tragedies in my day, and someone just presented me with a fifth . . . . . . tragedy . . . . not bottle.  And yes, that’s tempting, but I’m sure as hell not giving up any of the 85% that’s already mine. 

So I’m wondering if I should check myself in somewhere.  There was a link posted in one of my groups for an inpatient treatment facility, specializing in PTSD.  I have completed 30 days inpatient treatment twice in my life for two different issues, both of them extremely successful.  A 1-800 number and a Live Chat option are staring me in the face.

 

So what’s keeping me from picking up the phone???

I

AM

SCARED

SHITLESS

 The saying, "Third Time's a Charm" comes to mind.

You Can't Think Yourself Thin

So it's a week shy of 8 months since my LapBand surgery.  I just had a fill yesterday and was waiting for the "shock collar" of restriction, but nothing feels different yet.  It's only the morning after and I'm seriously hoping for what one bandster says, "a fill can sneak up on you."  


You know those stages of grief made famous by Elisabeth Kubler Ross?  Looking back over the past 8 weeks, I recognize that I have been in the bargaining phase.  I've been trying to bargain with some unknown power (sadly I think it's myself) about losing more weight.  You see, the first 60 pounds came off fairly steadily because I followed the rules to the letter.  In fact I made following the rules my new addiction.  But then I got bored, like I always did on my myriad previous diets, because you can't live your life on a diet.  You have to make the diet your way of life.  Holy fuck!  Now that's a revelation.  


So this past 8 weeks I have been bargaining mostly about exercise.  I hate it.  I do not want to exercise my body, only my brain.  I love nothing more in life than sitting on the couch with my laptop, playing word games, Facebooking, and eBaying.  Problem is, the weight is standing completely s.t.i.l.l.  Of course it is!!  
My mental parrying with my "self" sounds something like this:

ME: I bet I could use one of those ab belts that electronically stimulates the muscles and then I wouldn't have to exercise.  AND I could use it while sitting on the couch. 

 "Other" ME: Well what are the odds that you'll get the same workout as if you'd get up and exercise?

 ME: Well movie stars use them, so they must work.  

"Other" ME: So help me God if you say that out loud to anyone, I'll strangle you.

Needless to say, I haven't gotten off the couch, and now I'm not even wearing the ab belt (or the arm stimulator.)  (Or the bottom toner skirt.)  Seriously, someone call the shrink.  


Speaking of shrink . . . I started online therapy - the "Shrink Yourself" program.  It's a 12 week self-guided therapy program designed to help you uncover the emotional motivations for eating and to develop strategies to combat them.  I did it through week three and haven't gone back for the past three weeks.  How is this a surprise??  We were just about to start the session on exercise and finding out the reasons we make excuses - discovering why we don't exercise.  Coincidence?  I think not.  *sigh*


OK, so the next time you see me, or read me, or whatever . . . please ask me how the exercise is going, huh??  

Stupid Pet . . . I Mean Human . . . Tricks on eBay

Remember that David Letterman segment called Stupid Pet Tricks?  I think of that every day when I answer questions on eBay.  Here's a lovely sample of my answering day. 


The item is a Shark Pro Steam Mop and my description includes the following:

Comes in original retail box with 3 mop heads, 3 BRAND NEW pads, 1 slightly used pad, fill cup and owner's manual ONLY.

Q: Where is the concentrator nozzle?


A: I'm sorry, you've lost me.  Concentrator nozzle?


Q: Just saw this on t.v. this morning There is a carpet glider & a direct steam concentrator nozzle included in the box. It's good for grout on my white tile floors.

A: Apparently this is not the same thing you saw on TV this morning, since this package does not contain these items. (what I'd like to say: Oh, ri-ii-i-iiiiiiight!  Since you saw it on TV you think that my detailed list of what's in the box is somehow wrong and I must be holding out on you with the nozzle.  Gotcha!!) 


Q: That's too bad. I really need mine to have that nozzle for the white floor grout in my kitchen & it's not sold separately. At least I haven't found it yet. Then I could buy whichever one has everything else. Thanks or you help. Maybe I can find that bozzle so I can buy this. Thanks, Gladys (name changed to protect the annoying)


A: Sounds like the one you saw on TV is the right one for you! (at this point I block her - this customer will never be happy, trust me - after 10,000 sales you can feel these things.)


Q: Yes, if I can't buy that nozzle somewhere, but I haven't called Shark yet. So, I may be back to shop with you.


A: I do have the carpet glider available in my eBay store. (What I wish I could say: Thanks for the warning, but I already blocked you.  Don't be such a friggin cheapskate and buy the one you really want. )


Q: Just found out that the concentrator nozzle goes on the free portable cleaner!! LOL So, it's not on the one you're selling. Maybe I can buy that portable one separately. Still figuring things out since I just heard about it this morning.  


A: No response - what's the point?  (what I wish I could say: No shit??  Wow, then I guess I must NOT be retarded.  Thanks for confirming that.  Ya know I've only sold about 150 of these, so I wasn't quite sure. . . )


For those of you who follow this blog (all three of you, and I thank you) remember the lady with the "demented" luggage and the magical measuring mind??  This past week she finally figured out how to contact eBay and file a complaint.  Well past the 45 deadline for filing a complaint, she had no leg to stand on but filed anyway.  eBay GAVE HER MONEY BACK!!! They gave it back and did not take it from me, but THEY GAVE IT BACK - over $100.  Bottom Line: eBay wants your business so badly they are willing to do anything to get it.  Feel free to fuck them royally at will.

Could I have the "How Effing Crazy Am I?" blood test, please??

I'm getting sick of the sound of my own voice. That high-pitched shrieking and yelling really wears on me.


I have this daily ritual I've done for the last 20 years or so, where I ask myself, "What could I have done better today?"  I gotta tell you I'm seriously thinking of giving this up.  I mean how long can the list get before you just throw in the towel and count yourself as damned???  I'm talking Academy Award Winning, Nobel Prize, take no prisoners, epic bitchiness.  


I honestly can't tell if it's depression, some kind of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross anger phase of grief since being banded, menopause, or because people are so fucking stupid and I just can't take it any more.  


I vote for the last one.

I know I've mentioned this before, but just when I think people can't get any more dense, they do.  Yes, it was an eBay buyer - isn't it always??  The item was a polycarbonate/nylon 2-pc luggage set. (Click here to see the actual listing.)  Really, you should look at this first.  Take your time.  


It took ME a lot of time to: 


a) check both pieces of luggage for flaws 
b) take the photos 
c) crop the photos so they look professional 
d) caption the photos in Paint 
e) circle the missing wheel in red in Paint 
f) write the description 
g) mark the item with the correct inventory number  
h) place the item in the listed inventory department


So the buyer sends me this email today:

Your discription of the luggage I purchased through Ebay was certaily not good. The smaller one had a broken spinner wheel, and the large one is way too big for me to ever use. Things like this should be disclosed - eapecially size and true condition. I buy a lot on Ebay and this is the first thing that has been really bad. I asked for a discription tring to find the sizes without success. As a low income senior I feel very cheated.

What?!  Really??  You mean just like in the underlined text in the "discription"?? You mean just like it shows in closeup photo 9?  You mean the size like the dimensions which are in BOLD TEXT in the "discription"?  As a low income senior my ass!!  You know where you were really cheated??  By whomever it was that showed you how to use eBay.  One word honey: S-C-R-O-L-L!!  Oh, and for the record - being a member in eBay since January of 2011 and purchasing 5 items including this one does NOT constitute buying a lot of things on eBay.  Now I know that not only are you a bad speller, but you're a big fat liar!


But of course, my response was of a more professional tone: 

I go to great lengths to disclose every detail of my items, including closeups of their flaws.  I've pasted an exact copy of the item description below for your perusal.  In addition to the missing wheel being clearly described in the listing, there were two large photos comparing the side with the wheel to the side missing the wheel cap.  You'll also notice that the sizes for each case are included in the description in large bold text.  (here I pasted an exact copy of the listing "discription")

Grandma Cantread responded in moments:

Thank you for the reply. I tried to bring up a full description of the luggage and there was none except "used" and something else.

The large suitcase is 33" high and wider and deeper than the dementions you sent. The small one is approximately what you described for the large one (26" high) so you can see why it is not satisfactory. This is the first thing I have purchased through Ebay that has been wrong even if I could have seen the full description. That would have been the sizes I need for a planned flight. It is very nice quality, but what do you do with a 33" high suitcase? I have no use for it and would not have ordered. I was expected that they would be the 25", and a carry on. Perhaps you were describing the set in excellent condition was sold about a week before. It is a wonderful quality.

I also bid because of the high approval rate for your site. Unless this made right it will now go down when I fill out the approval rating.

I hope it does not because I know bad reviews hurt the seller and I do not like hurt anyone. I did bring up the close up and could see that there are eight wheels on each suit case but not the wheel that was off. I tried to get the dementions through you but Ebay will not allow contact with directly thorough their site. I don't know why they list the addresses. 

Ok well, now the luggage is apparently demented as well as larger than her imaginary friends told her.  I'd LOVE to tell her what I'd do with a 33" suitcase.  And I'm betting I could fit the body in there . . . 


I am now officially pissed.  So I respond:

I'm sorry you're having trouble accessing the listing, but I assure you it contains everything you're now objecting to. Did you scroll down? There are 10 photos in the listing, two of which clearly show the wheel issue, and one of which shows the missing wheel circled in RED!! You mention that my listing says 26" but in fact it says 28". Perhaps you are looking at a listing other than mine?

I'm very disappointed that you would threaten negative feedback for an error that is clearly of your own making. As you said, I am a high rated seller and negative feedback does hurt sellers. I find it difficult to believe you would penalize me for your assumptions ("I was expected that they would be the 25", and a carry on.") when the facts are quite clearly stated and shown in the listing.

If you wish to return the bags, I would be willing to make a refund of $62 only - nothing for the original shipping or return shipping. Under the circumstances this is quite fair.

I haven't gotten a response to that one yet, but she's probably in bed already. After all it is past 7 pm. 


So this brings me to my real concern - because like it or not, stupid people WILL continue to buy on eBay - I think my frustration tolerance is seriously damaged.  Could I be in ACTUAL menopause?  I've been in peri-menopause for about 10 years now.  Supposedly.  How the hell do you know??  


There are two things they don't tell you when you're a young woman. No one prepares you for the fact that 1) the triangle in your panties migrates toward your thighs and 2) the "change of life".  Suddenly I feel like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!"  Is this menopause??  I've had night sweats and hot flashes for the past 5 years, but I'm only 48.  What gives??  


Oh joy, a trip to the gyno.


I'm gonna be PISSED if I'm in menopause and I'm still dealing with zits!!  

OMGOMGOMG - the lady with the suitcase emailed back!!  

Now you are giving a different description of the luggage set. First you said 25" and 28" for the each of the two suitcases. They are 26" and 33" high. The large on is very wide and thick. I will go through Ebay with this problem. I have yout first email that you atated the sizes in.

I did scrole down and did not get a description as you say was there. I even printed out what was on the web site.

Sorry to tell her, but I already contacted eBay and they agreed the lady is bat-shit blind and I win . . .
Message followed by this, her obvious but misguided attempt to "tell on me" to eBay - sent to . . .wait for it . . . ME!!!

The luggage I purchased from Canaan573 was not  as described with the luggage on Ebay. I have contacted them about this ONLY -not to buy anything. I had first tried to get to a response from Ebay about the luggage. Their reply was that the set included one 25" suitcase, and one 28" suitcase.

 

The fact is that the large one is 33" tall and the smaller one (usable) is 26" high. It is too large to check but I can check it on my flight. They must not know how to measure. It is very nice luggage of high quality. I had clicked description and did not get the information they e-sent to me. I even printed out the full ad on your web site.

 

What can be done about the 33" unusable suitcase that they contend was supposed to be 25"? I paid $107.++ with shipping for the luggage. Had they been 25" and 28" as described I would have no problem with keeping the set.

Remember in the beginning when SHE said she "would have thought they were 25" and 28"??  


Wow.  Her menopause is REALLY bad . . .

Help! I'm Naked!!

Not literally.  Metaphorically. My latest revelation on the road to healthy weight loss and increased sanity is that I currently have no coping strategies for dealing with the frustrations of everyday life.  I'm not using drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sex, shopping or food to self-medicate . . . . . man am I bitchy!!


Recently while working at the county fair I actually argued with an octogenarian - no shit! Yelled at an old lady!!  Granted she WAS really nasty and rude first, but ffs - yelling at an old woman?!?!  I suppose you can imagine the shell-shocked look on my husband's face lately - poor thing - on the front lines and all. So I ask myself:  how do mentally stable, healthy people handle stress?  I am officially on a quest! 


*off to Google How to Handle Stress*


Step 1 - Identify the sources of stress in your life.
Sounds simple enough. 


Lemmesee . . . . 


psycho family of origin issues, working in near-100° temps for several weeks straight, online retail selling in the worst economy in my adult lifetime, recent acne outbreak, being married (depends on the day), major life change (being recently banded) 


How's that for starters?


Then there's the list of things NOT to do to handle stress:

Smoking  CHECK! Drinking too much  CHECK! Overeating or undereating  CHECK! Zoning out for hours in front of the TV or computer   *HMMMM* Withdrawing from friends, family, and activities   CHECK!

Using pills or drugs to relax     CHECK!  Sleeping too much  CHECK! Procrastinating   *HMMMM* Filling up every minute of the day to avoid facing problems  *HMMMM* Taking out your stress on others (lashing out, angry outbursts, physical violence)   *DO RUDE 80 YR OLD WOMEN COUNT?*

So what's a girl supposed to do? And I do use the word "girl" with purpose.  Women are taught to be loving, nurturing, understanding, patient, kind, feminine, demure, tactful, modest . . . . I feel like I'm forgetting some . . . .

But what I feel most often lately is angry, frustrated, rude and intolerant.  Stuck in the grocery line behind the woman with the unruly kids??  A rational and sane woman in her right mind might smile and wait patiently or even go so far as to say (disingenuously of course) how cute the kids are.  Not me baby!  I find the words "Oh for fuck's sake" on the tip of my tongue, and visualize myself ramming her and her brats with my shopping cart screaming, "It's 20 items or less you stupid cow!"  

But of course I hold it in.  After all I don't want the men in white coats to find me - I'm in witness protection from them and certainly don't want to do anything to tip them off as to my whereabouts. 

Standing on the Edge of Me

I am profoundly sad today. As I write this I realize that other people will read it and that I'm letting them in on a secret that follows me around like the stink of death on a corpse.  Being raised by a narcissist and a child molester has skewed my ability to trust my own mind when I get like this.  I really want to spill my guts to someone. Anyone. But what if I'm just being dramatic, or what if it makes people realize how nuts I really am (say the voices)??  Then again, they say we're only as sick as our secrets.  Here goes.


The reunion.  What can I say.  It was a good time.  Sort of.  The party was for graduates of the public school I attended through the 8th grade.  My narcissist mother decided her children were too good for the public school from which she graduated so in a proxy do-over, she sent me to a private Catholic girls school in another town.  So I really didn't graduate with these kids.  All my memories are from grade school.  Hadn't see a single one since I left in the 8th grade.


It's a bit strange to see people you haven't see for 34 years. Some look so different there's no way to recognize them until they say their names.  Even then all you really see is that face from like 3rd grade or something.  I suppose worse yet is the ones who look well . . . . exactly the same. But that wasn't the hardest part. 


The hardest part was answering the same question over and over: how's your mom and dad?  How exactly do you explain to people why you have not a damn thing to do with either one and that the reason is because THEY are the evil ones, not me.  I mean c'mon what are the odds that both parents were supremely effed up sufficient to justify a child banishing them from her life??  


I'm always torn.  I have toyed with saying things like, "Oh I guess you didn't hear, we lost mother last year."  Or *shocked, quavering voice* "I thought everyone knew, he was killed in a horrible train accident."  I suppose I could just say "fine" and be done with it.  But there's some part of me that just won't allow that, because it means letting them off the hook for what they did.  Shouldn't people know that there are monsters lurking behind the mask of wonderful parent?  Some of the girls I hung out with back then knew my mother's secret side. Apparently she didn't think they mattered enough to hide her viciousness from them.  The truth is always the easiest, or so they say.  


But the thing with my dad.  Why the hell doesn't everyone already know about that one??  It would make it so much easier.  Maybe it was the isolated character of the small town I came from.  You know, where they don't read the "city" papers, just the local weekly rag.  That would explain it I guess.  By the time it hit the city papers, only my mother still lived in the city. I figured it served her right.  After all, if she'd been doing her job he might have been arrested in time to save us.  Of course she called to tell me all about it in her sickly gleeful narcissist way, full of fake horror and thrilled at having something salacious to share.  How long ago was that anyway?  Fifteen years or more?  Seems like yesterday.


But no one at the reunion knew about my father. One by one they kept asking. By mid-event I had a stock response ready.  I have no idea.  Apparently you haven't heard.  He's a convicted sex offender and I no longer have anything to do with him and haven't for nearly 20 years.  Thank god no one asked anything further after that.  I mean what the hell would you say??  Gee I'm really sorry to hear that, how fucked up are you from that??  Yeah.  Several days post-reunion I am feeling the wave of emotional pain that comes from speaking that awful truth once again.  Oh I spent a lot of years working on this one, believe me - and I consider myself in recovery.  It was still rough.  


The other strand of woe weaving its way through my head is the grief of having recently lost my lover.  It was 12 weeks ago that I filed for divorce from my lover of 39 years: food.  It dawns on me that the saying I've heard on YT and FB is so true - they banded my stomach not my brain.  In my twisted little addict mind, this game has been really fun but I'm done now and I'd like some cheese fries please.  And bring me some Ben & Jerry's while you're at it.  A couple as a matter of fact . . . Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia please.    And could we please put Kettle Chips back on the grocery list instead of Greek yogurt?  


Welcome to grief 101, where I get to come face to face with old demons in an epic battle of wills.  Will I move forward and make the right choices or cave and repeat the pattern for yet another year despite having spent $17,000 for a fix??


Stick around, it's gonna get interesting.