You Can't Think Yourself Thin

So it's a week shy of 8 months since my LapBand surgery.  I just had a fill yesterday and was waiting for the "shock collar" of restriction, but nothing feels different yet.  It's only the morning after and I'm seriously hoping for what one bandster says, "a fill can sneak up on you."  


You know those stages of grief made famous by Elisabeth Kubler Ross?  Looking back over the past 8 weeks, I recognize that I have been in the bargaining phase.  I've been trying to bargain with some unknown power (sadly I think it's myself) about losing more weight.  You see, the first 60 pounds came off fairly steadily because I followed the rules to the letter.  In fact I made following the rules my new addiction.  But then I got bored, like I always did on my myriad previous diets, because you can't live your life on a diet.  You have to make the diet your way of life.  Holy fuck!  Now that's a revelation.  


So this past 8 weeks I have been bargaining mostly about exercise.  I hate it.  I do not want to exercise my body, only my brain.  I love nothing more in life than sitting on the couch with my laptop, playing word games, Facebooking, and eBaying.  Problem is, the weight is standing completely s.t.i.l.l.  Of course it is!!  
My mental parrying with my "self" sounds something like this:

ME: I bet I could use one of those ab belts that electronically stimulates the muscles and then I wouldn't have to exercise.  AND I could use it while sitting on the couch. 

 "Other" ME: Well what are the odds that you'll get the same workout as if you'd get up and exercise?

 ME: Well movie stars use them, so they must work.  

"Other" ME: So help me God if you say that out loud to anyone, I'll strangle you.

Needless to say, I haven't gotten off the couch, and now I'm not even wearing the ab belt (or the arm stimulator.)  (Or the bottom toner skirt.)  Seriously, someone call the shrink.  


Speaking of shrink . . . I started online therapy - the "Shrink Yourself" program.  It's a 12 week self-guided therapy program designed to help you uncover the emotional motivations for eating and to develop strategies to combat them.  I did it through week three and haven't gone back for the past three weeks.  How is this a surprise??  We were just about to start the session on exercise and finding out the reasons we make excuses - discovering why we don't exercise.  Coincidence?  I think not.  *sigh*


OK, so the next time you see me, or read me, or whatever . . . please ask me how the exercise is going, huh??  

Stupid Pet . . . I Mean Human . . . Tricks on eBay

Remember that David Letterman segment called Stupid Pet Tricks?  I think of that every day when I answer questions on eBay.  Here's a lovely sample of my answering day. 


The item is a Shark Pro Steam Mop and my description includes the following:

Comes in original retail box with 3 mop heads, 3 BRAND NEW pads, 1 slightly used pad, fill cup and owner's manual ONLY.

Q: Where is the concentrator nozzle?


A: I'm sorry, you've lost me.  Concentrator nozzle?


Q: Just saw this on t.v. this morning There is a carpet glider & a direct steam concentrator nozzle included in the box. It's good for grout on my white tile floors.

A: Apparently this is not the same thing you saw on TV this morning, since this package does not contain these items. (what I'd like to say: Oh, ri-ii-i-iiiiiiight!  Since you saw it on TV you think that my detailed list of what's in the box is somehow wrong and I must be holding out on you with the nozzle.  Gotcha!!) 


Q: That's too bad. I really need mine to have that nozzle for the white floor grout in my kitchen & it's not sold separately. At least I haven't found it yet. Then I could buy whichever one has everything else. Thanks or you help. Maybe I can find that bozzle so I can buy this. Thanks, Gladys (name changed to protect the annoying)


A: Sounds like the one you saw on TV is the right one for you! (at this point I block her - this customer will never be happy, trust me - after 10,000 sales you can feel these things.)


Q: Yes, if I can't buy that nozzle somewhere, but I haven't called Shark yet. So, I may be back to shop with you.


A: I do have the carpet glider available in my eBay store. (What I wish I could say: Thanks for the warning, but I already blocked you.  Don't be such a friggin cheapskate and buy the one you really want. )


Q: Just found out that the concentrator nozzle goes on the free portable cleaner!! LOL So, it's not on the one you're selling. Maybe I can buy that portable one separately. Still figuring things out since I just heard about it this morning.  


A: No response - what's the point?  (what I wish I could say: No shit??  Wow, then I guess I must NOT be retarded.  Thanks for confirming that.  Ya know I've only sold about 150 of these, so I wasn't quite sure. . . )


For those of you who follow this blog (all three of you, and I thank you) remember the lady with the "demented" luggage and the magical measuring mind??  This past week she finally figured out how to contact eBay and file a complaint.  Well past the 45 deadline for filing a complaint, she had no leg to stand on but filed anyway.  eBay GAVE HER MONEY BACK!!! They gave it back and did not take it from me, but THEY GAVE IT BACK - over $100.  Bottom Line: eBay wants your business so badly they are willing to do anything to get it.  Feel free to fuck them royally at will.

Could I have the "How Effing Crazy Am I?" blood test, please??

I'm getting sick of the sound of my own voice. That high-pitched shrieking and yelling really wears on me.


I have this daily ritual I've done for the last 20 years or so, where I ask myself, "What could I have done better today?"  I gotta tell you I'm seriously thinking of giving this up.  I mean how long can the list get before you just throw in the towel and count yourself as damned???  I'm talking Academy Award Winning, Nobel Prize, take no prisoners, epic bitchiness.  


I honestly can't tell if it's depression, some kind of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross anger phase of grief since being banded, menopause, or because people are so fucking stupid and I just can't take it any more.  


I vote for the last one.

I know I've mentioned this before, but just when I think people can't get any more dense, they do.  Yes, it was an eBay buyer - isn't it always??  The item was a polycarbonate/nylon 2-pc luggage set. (Click here to see the actual listing.)  Really, you should look at this first.  Take your time.  


It took ME a lot of time to: 


a) check both pieces of luggage for flaws 
b) take the photos 
c) crop the photos so they look professional 
d) caption the photos in Paint 
e) circle the missing wheel in red in Paint 
f) write the description 
g) mark the item with the correct inventory number  
h) place the item in the listed inventory department


So the buyer sends me this email today:

Your discription of the luggage I purchased through Ebay was certaily not good. The smaller one had a broken spinner wheel, and the large one is way too big for me to ever use. Things like this should be disclosed - eapecially size and true condition. I buy a lot on Ebay and this is the first thing that has been really bad. I asked for a discription tring to find the sizes without success. As a low income senior I feel very cheated.

What?!  Really??  You mean just like in the underlined text in the "discription"?? You mean just like it shows in closeup photo 9?  You mean the size like the dimensions which are in BOLD TEXT in the "discription"?  As a low income senior my ass!!  You know where you were really cheated??  By whomever it was that showed you how to use eBay.  One word honey: S-C-R-O-L-L!!  Oh, and for the record - being a member in eBay since January of 2011 and purchasing 5 items including this one does NOT constitute buying a lot of things on eBay.  Now I know that not only are you a bad speller, but you're a big fat liar!


But of course, my response was of a more professional tone: 

I go to great lengths to disclose every detail of my items, including closeups of their flaws.  I've pasted an exact copy of the item description below for your perusal.  In addition to the missing wheel being clearly described in the listing, there were two large photos comparing the side with the wheel to the side missing the wheel cap.  You'll also notice that the sizes for each case are included in the description in large bold text.  (here I pasted an exact copy of the listing "discription")

Grandma Cantread responded in moments:

Thank you for the reply. I tried to bring up a full description of the luggage and there was none except "used" and something else.

The large suitcase is 33" high and wider and deeper than the dementions you sent. The small one is approximately what you described for the large one (26" high) so you can see why it is not satisfactory. This is the first thing I have purchased through Ebay that has been wrong even if I could have seen the full description. That would have been the sizes I need for a planned flight. It is very nice quality, but what do you do with a 33" high suitcase? I have no use for it and would not have ordered. I was expected that they would be the 25", and a carry on. Perhaps you were describing the set in excellent condition was sold about a week before. It is a wonderful quality.

I also bid because of the high approval rate for your site. Unless this made right it will now go down when I fill out the approval rating.

I hope it does not because I know bad reviews hurt the seller and I do not like hurt anyone. I did bring up the close up and could see that there are eight wheels on each suit case but not the wheel that was off. I tried to get the dementions through you but Ebay will not allow contact with directly thorough their site. I don't know why they list the addresses. 

Ok well, now the luggage is apparently demented as well as larger than her imaginary friends told her.  I'd LOVE to tell her what I'd do with a 33" suitcase.  And I'm betting I could fit the body in there . . . 


I am now officially pissed.  So I respond:

I'm sorry you're having trouble accessing the listing, but I assure you it contains everything you're now objecting to. Did you scroll down? There are 10 photos in the listing, two of which clearly show the wheel issue, and one of which shows the missing wheel circled in RED!! You mention that my listing says 26" but in fact it says 28". Perhaps you are looking at a listing other than mine?

I'm very disappointed that you would threaten negative feedback for an error that is clearly of your own making. As you said, I am a high rated seller and negative feedback does hurt sellers. I find it difficult to believe you would penalize me for your assumptions ("I was expected that they would be the 25", and a carry on.") when the facts are quite clearly stated and shown in the listing.

If you wish to return the bags, I would be willing to make a refund of $62 only - nothing for the original shipping or return shipping. Under the circumstances this is quite fair.

I haven't gotten a response to that one yet, but she's probably in bed already. After all it is past 7 pm. 


So this brings me to my real concern - because like it or not, stupid people WILL continue to buy on eBay - I think my frustration tolerance is seriously damaged.  Could I be in ACTUAL menopause?  I've been in peri-menopause for about 10 years now.  Supposedly.  How the hell do you know??  


There are two things they don't tell you when you're a young woman. No one prepares you for the fact that 1) the triangle in your panties migrates toward your thighs and 2) the "change of life".  Suddenly I feel like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!"  Is this menopause??  I've had night sweats and hot flashes for the past 5 years, but I'm only 48.  What gives??  


Oh joy, a trip to the gyno.


I'm gonna be PISSED if I'm in menopause and I'm still dealing with zits!!  

OMGOMGOMG - the lady with the suitcase emailed back!!  

Now you are giving a different description of the luggage set. First you said 25" and 28" for the each of the two suitcases. They are 26" and 33" high. The large on is very wide and thick. I will go through Ebay with this problem. I have yout first email that you atated the sizes in.

I did scrole down and did not get a description as you say was there. I even printed out what was on the web site.

Sorry to tell her, but I already contacted eBay and they agreed the lady is bat-shit blind and I win . . .
Message followed by this, her obvious but misguided attempt to "tell on me" to eBay - sent to . . .wait for it . . . ME!!!

The luggage I purchased from Canaan573 was not  as described with the luggage on Ebay. I have contacted them about this ONLY -not to buy anything. I had first tried to get to a response from Ebay about the luggage. Their reply was that the set included one 25" suitcase, and one 28" suitcase.

 

The fact is that the large one is 33" tall and the smaller one (usable) is 26" high. It is too large to check but I can check it on my flight. They must not know how to measure. It is very nice luggage of high quality. I had clicked description and did not get the information they e-sent to me. I even printed out the full ad on your web site.

 

What can be done about the 33" unusable suitcase that they contend was supposed to be 25"? I paid $107.++ with shipping for the luggage. Had they been 25" and 28" as described I would have no problem with keeping the set.

Remember in the beginning when SHE said she "would have thought they were 25" and 28"??  


Wow.  Her menopause is REALLY bad . . .

Help! I'm Naked!!

Not literally.  Metaphorically. My latest revelation on the road to healthy weight loss and increased sanity is that I currently have no coping strategies for dealing with the frustrations of everyday life.  I'm not using drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sex, shopping or food to self-medicate . . . . . man am I bitchy!!


Recently while working at the county fair I actually argued with an octogenarian - no shit! Yelled at an old lady!!  Granted she WAS really nasty and rude first, but ffs - yelling at an old woman?!?!  I suppose you can imagine the shell-shocked look on my husband's face lately - poor thing - on the front lines and all. So I ask myself:  how do mentally stable, healthy people handle stress?  I am officially on a quest! 


*off to Google How to Handle Stress*


Step 1 - Identify the sources of stress in your life.
Sounds simple enough. 


Lemmesee . . . . 


psycho family of origin issues, working in near-100° temps for several weeks straight, online retail selling in the worst economy in my adult lifetime, recent acne outbreak, being married (depends on the day), major life change (being recently banded) 


How's that for starters?


Then there's the list of things NOT to do to handle stress:

Smoking  CHECK! Drinking too much  CHECK! Overeating or undereating  CHECK! Zoning out for hours in front of the TV or computer   *HMMMM* Withdrawing from friends, family, and activities   CHECK!

Using pills or drugs to relax     CHECK!  Sleeping too much  CHECK! Procrastinating   *HMMMM* Filling up every minute of the day to avoid facing problems  *HMMMM* Taking out your stress on others (lashing out, angry outbursts, physical violence)   *DO RUDE 80 YR OLD WOMEN COUNT?*

So what's a girl supposed to do? And I do use the word "girl" with purpose.  Women are taught to be loving, nurturing, understanding, patient, kind, feminine, demure, tactful, modest . . . . I feel like I'm forgetting some . . . .

But what I feel most often lately is angry, frustrated, rude and intolerant.  Stuck in the grocery line behind the woman with the unruly kids??  A rational and sane woman in her right mind might smile and wait patiently or even go so far as to say (disingenuously of course) how cute the kids are.  Not me baby!  I find the words "Oh for fuck's sake" on the tip of my tongue, and visualize myself ramming her and her brats with my shopping cart screaming, "It's 20 items or less you stupid cow!"  

But of course I hold it in.  After all I don't want the men in white coats to find me - I'm in witness protection from them and certainly don't want to do anything to tip them off as to my whereabouts. 

Standing on the Edge of Me

I am profoundly sad today. As I write this I realize that other people will read it and that I'm letting them in on a secret that follows me around like the stink of death on a corpse.  Being raised by a narcissist and a child molester has skewed my ability to trust my own mind when I get like this.  I really want to spill my guts to someone. Anyone. But what if I'm just being dramatic, or what if it makes people realize how nuts I really am (say the voices)??  Then again, they say we're only as sick as our secrets.  Here goes.


The reunion.  What can I say.  It was a good time.  Sort of.  The party was for graduates of the public school I attended through the 8th grade.  My narcissist mother decided her children were too good for the public school from which she graduated so in a proxy do-over, she sent me to a private Catholic girls school in another town.  So I really didn't graduate with these kids.  All my memories are from grade school.  Hadn't see a single one since I left in the 8th grade.


It's a bit strange to see people you haven't see for 34 years. Some look so different there's no way to recognize them until they say their names.  Even then all you really see is that face from like 3rd grade or something.  I suppose worse yet is the ones who look well . . . . exactly the same. But that wasn't the hardest part. 


The hardest part was answering the same question over and over: how's your mom and dad?  How exactly do you explain to people why you have not a damn thing to do with either one and that the reason is because THEY are the evil ones, not me.  I mean c'mon what are the odds that both parents were supremely effed up sufficient to justify a child banishing them from her life??  


I'm always torn.  I have toyed with saying things like, "Oh I guess you didn't hear, we lost mother last year."  Or *shocked, quavering voice* "I thought everyone knew, he was killed in a horrible train accident."  I suppose I could just say "fine" and be done with it.  But there's some part of me that just won't allow that, because it means letting them off the hook for what they did.  Shouldn't people know that there are monsters lurking behind the mask of wonderful parent?  Some of the girls I hung out with back then knew my mother's secret side. Apparently she didn't think they mattered enough to hide her viciousness from them.  The truth is always the easiest, or so they say.  


But the thing with my dad.  Why the hell doesn't everyone already know about that one??  It would make it so much easier.  Maybe it was the isolated character of the small town I came from.  You know, where they don't read the "city" papers, just the local weekly rag.  That would explain it I guess.  By the time it hit the city papers, only my mother still lived in the city. I figured it served her right.  After all, if she'd been doing her job he might have been arrested in time to save us.  Of course she called to tell me all about it in her sickly gleeful narcissist way, full of fake horror and thrilled at having something salacious to share.  How long ago was that anyway?  Fifteen years or more?  Seems like yesterday.


But no one at the reunion knew about my father. One by one they kept asking. By mid-event I had a stock response ready.  I have no idea.  Apparently you haven't heard.  He's a convicted sex offender and I no longer have anything to do with him and haven't for nearly 20 years.  Thank god no one asked anything further after that.  I mean what the hell would you say??  Gee I'm really sorry to hear that, how fucked up are you from that??  Yeah.  Several days post-reunion I am feeling the wave of emotional pain that comes from speaking that awful truth once again.  Oh I spent a lot of years working on this one, believe me - and I consider myself in recovery.  It was still rough.  


The other strand of woe weaving its way through my head is the grief of having recently lost my lover.  It was 12 weeks ago that I filed for divorce from my lover of 39 years: food.  It dawns on me that the saying I've heard on YT and FB is so true - they banded my stomach not my brain.  In my twisted little addict mind, this game has been really fun but I'm done now and I'd like some cheese fries please.  And bring me some Ben & Jerry's while you're at it.  A couple as a matter of fact . . . Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia please.    And could we please put Kettle Chips back on the grocery list instead of Greek yogurt?  


Welcome to grief 101, where I get to come face to face with old demons in an epic battle of wills.  Will I move forward and make the right choices or cave and repeat the pattern for yet another year despite having spent $17,000 for a fix??


Stick around, it's gonna get interesting.

Stupid is Forever and There's No Cure for Moron REDUX

There is seemingly no end to the plague of stupidity out there in cyber-shopping world. I've decided to start posting examples in an effort to help others avoid the pitfalls of . . . oh for fuck's sake. . . . I'm posting them because they're fun to read and I need a good place to rant about them.  There, I said it.


OK.  So the item is a Snap-On pressure washer which is non-functional, being sold for parts.  Here is the cut-and-paste of the ACTUAL listing description:

Snap On 1750 PSI 120.6 BAR Electric Pressure Washer
Item condition:	For parts or not working

For parts or not working: An item that does not function as intended and is not fully operational. This includes items that are defective in ways that render them difficult to use, items that require service or repair, or items missing essential components. See the seller’s listing for full details.

This listing is for a

* (brand name removed)  Pressure Washer

Item works but with significant problems.

Being sold as not working for parts only. 

99¢ Starting Bid No Reserve

AS-IS NO REFUND

The Pressure washer works but there seems to be a leak when the pressure washer isn't Spraying. it flood the ground at the base of the unit. When the Spray handle is spraying the leak slows down and the spray handle leaks.

Listing includes * (brand name removed)  Pressure Washer, Pressure hose, and spray gun ONLY.

Pretty clear, eh??  

Oh, and about the capitalization, grammar and punctuation in the listing?  Not my writing, so yeah. 

So the buyer gets the item and emails me saying the thing doesn't work and is leaking all over the place.  Re-e-e-e-aaalllly. That's strange. You mean like it says in the description!?!  Wow, go figure.  Of course he opens a case: Item Not As Described.  REallY??  WTF!!

Yeah and here's the best part.  Ebay gives the guy his money back.  Yes ma'am!!  Now the good news is they don't deduct it from my account.  Any disputed transaction under a certain dollar amount is automatically refunded to the buyer with no negative impact to the seller.  Oh! So now eBay is r-e-w-a-r-d-i-n-g stupidity!!  You betcha, to the tune of $31.31. 

I guess when you're making billions of dollars a year it's easier just to hand morons their money back than to pay someone to sift through the details.  I mean how long would it take to read my listing and see that the item is being sold for parts, not working and then deny his claim.   Would it take any longer than just giving back the money?  But this makes eBay look like the good guy which is the way they want it - and leaves the seller looking like an ass.  I check the guy's feedback left for others meaning his other sellers.  The guy hands out negative feedback like candy at Halloween.  OK I'm screwed. 


Now if I could leave negative feedback I would believe me.  But eBay no longer allows a seller to leave negative feedback of any kind for any buyer.  Many unscrupulous buyers have figured this out and make a career of blackmailing sellers with negative feedback.  If you're always right, why not take full advantage huh?

Since I can't leave negative feedback, I've gotten pretty good at leaving smart ass comments next to my green plus sign:

• Buyer currently enrolled in "How to Read a Listing" 
• If you CAN'T READ, you shouldn't be on eBay!!
• A mind is a terrible thing to waste - SELLERS BEWARE!

Then there is the case of the woman who paid too much for a handbag.  Look, I know it's really fun to see just how much the high bidder's highest bid is, but the only real way to do that is to outbid them.  And if you do that you must HOPE and PRAY that they outbid you again.  Not so in this case, and the winner ends up having to pay $600 for her curiosity.  Mind you this is a bag by a designer that is seen on the Red Carpet on a regular basis.  Well worth $600 wouldn't you say?   

Of course, she waits way too long to pay, so I open an unpaid item case through eBay.  She finally pays and I ship the bag.  I create intricate interior packing that allows for the tassles to remain in free suspension, because if they get mushed up in shipping the bag isn't worth $600 anymore and I'd have to take a return or give her some money back - and I don't want that, so . . . .

Within two hours of receiving the bag, she emails me and requests to return the bag "because your listing says you take returns".  Now what my listing really says is: "All sales final unless item is significantly not as described."  In other words, If I have a brain fart or my peri-menopause has misplaced my brain while I'm listing an item and I forget to say something about a defect etc, then I will accept a return - within 3 business days of receipt of the item.  Folks, this bag was p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n, so no go on the return, babe.  After I politely point out my return policy to her, she suddenly, magically finds "a few loose beads" on the bag and opens a case with eBay.  

OK I'm really hard on eBay, I'll admit, and 95% of the time, I'm justified in that. Of course just when I think I'm totally screwed and this crazy b#$%h is gonna purposely damage the handgbag just so she can return it  . . . . you get the picture . . . . 

So just when I'm feeling like I'm gonna lose A-gain, Jason* from eBay's Top Seller Assistance Team beams heavenly golden light on my day and says:  "No way, that bag is perfect!  Your pictures show everything.  I also see that you had to open an unpaid item case with the buyer.  I think this is a clear case of buyer's remorse."   **insert strains of Handel's Messiah Halleluja Chorus here**

I have to admit, my first thought was:  OK they're just f-ing with me now.  Where's the catch?  

Nope it was legit.  I got an official email within minutes saying the case was decided in my favor and I didn't have to do anything more.  

Except, of course, I blocked Little Miss Buyer's Remorse.  I hope she enjoys her bag.

A Trip to WeeklyReaderville

Whenever it’s time to deal with a new level of recovery/self-improvement/growing-up, I revisit my childhood to try to identify the origins of my toxic behaviors.  Now, in direct opposition to my Roman Catholic upbringing, I believe that we are all born innocent, good, clean and holy.  Not a member of the “Original Sin Fan Club” sorry.  Not even a member of the Catholic Church any more either, but that’s a whole other blog. OK, so I sift through my childhood looking for things that may have planted ideas or beliefs in my mind that turned out badly.  Generally speaking these are things that may have been a huge help or kept me sane during childhood, but just aren’t working now that I’m an adult trying to live a successful grownup life. 

So the things I’m looking for on this trip are things related to my toxic relationship with food.  Not sure why but I started thinking about the books and record albums I loved as a child.  I started on Dick and Jane readers like most kids in the late 60’s.  No toxic food messages there.  Can you imagine?  

See Jane. 

See Jane sneak. 

See Jane hide food under her mattress. 

See Jane purge.

The Seven Dwarfs and Their Diamond Mine, an LP featuring the story of the Seven Dwarfs post-Snow-White-kisses-the-Prince.  It’s been a couple of years since Snow White married the Prince and moved into the castle, leaving the Dwarfs on their own again.  The story starts with them getting up and eating breakfast.  Aha!  *digging deeper* instead of porridge for breakfast, they eat soup!  There’s a lively little song, The Music in Your Soup – hmmm, nothing toxic about that. While on this particular street in Disneyland, I'm reintroduced to the cover of the album, something that I loved so much as a kid: the sparkling, richly colored gems spilling out of the mine carts.  My first real job was in a jewelry store.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  Moving on.  

The Tale of Peter Rabbit.  Hmmmm . . . . Peter is an overeater and disobedient to his mother’s instructions about Mr. McGregor’s garden.  He tears up his clothes and ends up sick from overeating.  The Disneyland record album Peter Cottontail features a similarly disobedient little rabbit (read: "mind of his own) who loves to eat clover, and the song Whistling Rabbit which I'm now gonna have stuck in my head for who knows how long.  ♪♫ I've got a whistling rabbit, It whistles when you grab it ♪ ♫ 
Not much there.  Moving on!

We Were Tired of Living in a House. Four kids, the cat and the dog are tired of living a traditional house, so they move to a tree, a raft, a cave and finally the seashore collecting and packing up things from each place. They soon discover problems with each new dwelling and move on to the next, finally moving back to their original house.   The 1969 version I had was illustrated in a basic black white taupe color scheme punctuated with red here and there.  Delightful to this day, I have vowed to read this to my grandchildren the next time they ask for a story.  OK – back to the hunt for truth . . . being tired of living in MY house was certainly true, but nothing about eating in there.  Moving on.

Alexander and the Magic Mouse. Known to me as Alexander and the MagicAL Mouse until years later when I found it on eBay, this is without a doubt my all time favorite childhood book.  The artwork is lovely, as is the story.  The Old Lady lives on the top of the hill with her animal friends: a bitchy Brindle London Squatting Cat, a Magical Mouse, Alexander – an Alligator from China who loves to admire his smile, and a Yak.  One afternoon during their daily tea time, the Magical Mouse announces that it’s going to rain for 30 days and 30 nights.  They begin gathering supplies for the impending deluge, specifically “flour and molasses and marmalade and strawberry jam and pickled watermelon and ginger tea.”    

Can I get rained in with them!?!    

The Old Lady realizes that the poor townsfolk don’t have a clue about how long the rain will last, so she makes her way down the hill to deliver the message.  When she sees that it’s too slippery, she enlists the help of the Yak who also returns because the bridge is washed out.  That leaves Alexander.

                                                                                                                                                                                           

Remember, Alexander is an a-l-l-i-g-a-t-o-r and people are afraid of alligators so the townspeople run from him even though he is smiling his most beautiful smile. “There are many people who cannot tell the difference between and alligator who is smiling and an alligator who is not smiling.” Finally a little boy speaks to him and delivers the note to the Mayor of the town. By the next morning the Old Lady can see that the townsfolk are sandbagging so she knows they got the message.  But where is Alexander?? 

Finally Alexander arrives home, but he is in terrible shape and very ill.  Everyone does their part to help him recover, but it’s not looking good for him – he doesn’t even smile!  In the middle of the night the Old Lady visits the Magical Mouse to ask her what can be done.  The Magical Mouse points to a white cake with pink sugar letters reading, “For Alexander”.  The Old Lady feeds the cake to Alexander, who recovers of course.  It’s a close call for the town as well, but the wave is stopped by the sandbags and they all live happily ever after.  Voila!  Here was the connection!!  When you’re sick – eat.  When you feel bad – eat!  When you’re bored – eat! 

Well now that would be a “story” in and of itself.  The truth is I didn’t develop my toxic relationship with food until several years later, around age nine.  To be honest, I’m not sure why I first had the idea to pick up the bottle of Aunt Jemima and gulp it down.  I’m not sure it even matters. 

The net gain of strolling around WeeklyReaderville was the positive connections I found.  Hold up the front cover of Alexander and the Magic Mouse in any room of my house, and the two look like they came out of the same color palette.  Goldensepiaoliveredandgreen.  And all the characters in the stories were nice . . . well . . . except for the Brindle London Squatting Cat, but you can’t have everything, right?  Thank the Weekly Reader Gods I had those books growing up. They provided a rich fantasy world for me to escape into, and an example of sanity, respect and caring that I didn’t get at home. 

Sometimes a childhood book is just a childhood book.