It’s been 9 months since the day I was banded with my
10cc Allergan AP LapBand. I must admit
it’s been a wild ride. I dropped the
vast majority of my 70 pound loss in the first 6 months. Since then I’m clawing for every pound. I am making myself exercise more. I still
struggle with nighttime eating and portion control. I still react with a childish “I’ll show you”
attitude when I think someone doesn’t want me to eat something or more of
something. When I follow the rules, I
lose. But I struggle to follow the
rules. In short, I had hoped that I
could nail down the “crazy” portion of our game for the home viewers, but it’s
not looking good.
My eating disorder is my last holdout, the last bastion
of hope for the crazy person who lives in my head. The oldest, the strongest, and the most
elusive of the many I have defeated.
Taking on this last addiction puts me face to face with the demons that
haunt me and who refuse to stay silent in my head until they are fed. At the risk of being labeled a psycho with
written proof in my own words, I am admitting that I may have CPTSD,
exacerbated by ADD, further exacerbated by menopause. I will not admit to bi-polar yet. I have to have something to hang in my closet
of denial.
I struggle to handle the stresses of everyday life. I have a faulty inner guide for what is right
and normal. Growing up with a narcissist
for a mother will do that to you. OK I
get it. I’m 48 years old and famous for
saying, “At some point you have to realize it’s your life and you have to take
control of it.” I still believe this and
I take responsibility for my own healing.
HOWEVER: I cannot stress to you
how pernicious this early childhood programming is. I suspect I would test as having borderline
personality features, or some other equally frightening diagnosis if tested. MMPI anyone??
Bueller??
I’m intelligent (IQ of 136), educated, and attractive
despite still being overweight. I’m a
creative thinker and an amazing problem-solver.
I am also the classic, textbook version of the oldest child who was
sexually abused and raised by a narcissistic mother. I am broken and I don’t know if I can be
fixed.
I went into this weight loss surgery thinking I would
extinguish my demons in the process of eliminating the behaviors associated
with my obesity in much the same way I had conquered others: substance abuse, compulsive
acting out, and smoking to name a few.
What I am discovering is that I’m down to some majorly core areas of
dysfunction and I’m out of practice at fighting those demons. They’ve maintained a pretty strict regimen in
my head and have remained strong while I enjoyed the 85% of my reclaimed and cleaned
up life. Now that I want that last 15%
too, they’re pissed and they’ve loosed the proverbial Dogs of War. And they’re hungry bastards.
Because I’m not medicating with food, I am faced with
the actual frustrations of my daily life.
Any kind of mole hill sized resistance or hassle seems to be a mountain. I caught myself feeling “overburdened” the
other day because I had to stop to pee while I was doing something. The ensuing thoughts would have been
hilarious had they been the script for a sitcom starring some loveable but
neurotic character. They were not and
they are not.
“And of course I have to PEE. AGAIN.” *huge exasperated sigh* “Why is it that every time I have something to do I have to STOP to PEE?? I want to live in a body without having to stop to take care of ANY bodily functions. I certainly hope when I’m dead this whole peeing thing will stop.”
The feelings at that moment are as intensely
overwhelming as if there were three or four REAL tragedies in my day, and
someone just presented me with a fifth . . . . . . tragedy . . . . not bottle. And yes, that’s tempting, but I’m sure as
hell not giving up any of the 85% that’s already mine.
So I’m wondering if I should check myself in somewhere. There was a link posted in one of my groups
for an inpatient treatment facility, specializing in PTSD. I have completed 30 days inpatient treatment twice
in my life for two different issues, both of them extremely successful. A 1-800 number and a Live Chat option are
staring me in the face.
So what’s keeping me from picking up the phone???
I
AM
SCARED
SHITLESS
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